on the occasion of one's proudly joining the folds
by Gray Doll
Summary: "Lisbon, I think I found something." Perhaps they could unravel this whole thing, after all. - rated T for occasional mild language


**a.n./** i wouldn't even ask if i were you... no seriously, because i don't even know. i guess boredom, sickness and procrastinating is a destructive mix. the idea isn't entirely mine, though - credit goes to whom else, the internet. the internet is magical.

**)o(**

"Lisbon, I think I found something."

Teresa Lisbon, already on her fourth cup of black coffee and fighting off a massive headache, lifted her head from the enormous pile of files and all sorts of folders covering every last inch of her desk. "You've been saying this for the past three hours, Jane," she said, resigned, and turned back to the papers in front of her.

"No, seriously, Lisbon, I think we finally have something." Jane, brandishing something glossy that looked like a commercial leaflet, manoeuvred his way across her office, jumping over case file boxes and scattered papers. It was day two of looking over all of the FBI, CBI and SacPD files in order to uncover the last remaining Blake Association members, and Jane and Lisbon had reached a dead end. "Here, look."

Frowning, Lisbon set down her own papers and took the leaflet from Jane's extended hand - eyes widening when she saw the title. "Wait, this is from-"

"Yes." Jane's face was a peculiar mix of anxious, amused and curious. "Shall we read it?"

"Of course we will read it," Lisbon said, making space on her desk for Jane to perch on. "This could be the ultimate clue - Jane, you were right, we probably just solved this whole mystery members thing!"

Jane's lips broke into a thousand watt smile. "Yes, well, I do not like taking all the credit, though, you surely did-"

"Shhh," Lisbon sushed him, already reading the first page. "Okay, here's what it says."

* * *

><p><em>Greetings, new member!<em>

_If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional law enforcement agents known as the Blake Association. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading and this and have not been accepted into the Blake Association and / or have no knowledge of its existence, you are advised to slowly put down this letter and leave now._

_Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Associating, which you must memorize and then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to an unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide into small pieces before consuming.)_

_The next meeting of Blake Association members is scheduled for midnight, 13__th__ June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and tattooing needles, as well as antiseptic cleaning wipes. It's quite distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Red John_

* * *

><p><strong>)o(<strong>

**THE BLAKE ASSOCIATION**

proudly presents:

**YOUR GUIDE TO EVERYTHING EVIL!**

Welcome, new member, to this helpful guide to being a member of the world's largest, most clandestine, most effective corrupt law enforcement network. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you need to become a successful servant – excuse us, associate, of Red John and the general prominent members of the organization. Please read every page before consuming, as preparation and knowledge is always the key to success.

**)o(**

* * *

><p>― <strong>Aims of the society<strong>

world peace*

to be evil

to conquer the world

to kill people

to kill animals

to kill pigeons**

to kill (miscellaneous)

to serve Red John

to create colleges for the young ones to be educated on William Blake's poetry

to create sanctuaries for the endangered species of tigers

(*this statement is a lie)

(**pigeons do not fall under the category of animals, as they are the spawn of Satan and are evil, therefore must be eliminated)

**)O(**

― **List of equipment required for new Associates**

(equipment marked with ***** must be obtained from Hobbart & Linguini, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 73 BC. Their premises are inconveniently on London, but now they do mail order as well.)

suit (casual) – dress for women

suit (smart) – dress for women

linen suit (for summer wear) – sundress for women

the appropriate attire of your law enforcement branch

long black cloak (silk is preferable to velvet, as it is much more absorbent, and leather is too conspicuous)*****

black ski mask (informal)

black sequined mask (formal) *****

rubber Dracula mask *****

black boots (stiletto heels are no longer permitted) *****

black pointy boots (preferable to wear with the Dracula mask, a must for the more menacing situations) *****

black leather gloves (barbed wire ornamentation optional) *****

black rubber gloves (preferable to wear while working) *****

kitchen knife

extra kitchen in knife in case of losing first kitchen knife

switchblade

extra switchblade in case of losing first switchblade

gun

extra gun in case of losing first gun

plastic imitation gun in case of losing extra gun

shotgun (preferable for deer hunting trips with Red John)

dueling sword *****

cane (for favored members only: unauthorized possession of a cane might result in a heavy fine, as before possessing a cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to ascertain that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch) *****

disguise kit: fake nose, nun's outfit, fake beard, beekeeping veil, nurse's outfit, etc. *****

saw

assorted chains

whip

handcuffs

extra handcuffs in case of losing first pair

pointy sticks

An Associate may also own a pet. Dogs, cats, hamsters, bunnies, horses, tarantulas and iguanas are permitted. You may _not_ posses a bird, especially a pigeon, as your doing so will result in a heavy fine and / or death.

**)O(**

― **Recommended Reading**

In Blake Association, we are literary enthusiasts. We strongly and proudly promote intellectuality and general reading, for we believe an Associate who knows his books is an Associate that will go far in life. However, before you delve into the magical world of Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters and E.L. James (we, in Blake Association, are also proud supporters of human sexuality and all of its massively complicated facets), we recommend reading some of our very own authors' books, in order to be better prepared for your career as an Associate. Some of our finest titles include:

"_Evil: A Beginner's Guide_" by _Professor James Moriarty_

"_A Study In Curved Trailing-Point Blades With a Lightweight Handle_ or _Kitchen Knives and How Not To Fucking Hold Them_" by the FBI forensics team

"_Finger Painting for Dummies_" by _Red John_

"_The Illustrated Torturer's Handbook_" by _Anonymous Associate_

"_The Perks of Being a Mostly Anonymous Sidekick_" by _Oscar Cordero_

"_Seducing the Enemy: Love, Lies and Helicopter Rides_" by _Craig O'Laughlin_

"_What Not To Say And Wear At A Murder Scene_" by _Timothy Carter_

"_Power & Manipulation: The World of Crime And How To Rule It_" by _Tommy Volker_

"_Blood, Sex, Lies, Doughnuts and Patrols in Napa: The Authorized Biography of Thomas McAllister_" by _Rebecca Anderson_

"_Between Two Men_ or _Double Agent on Stilletto Heels_" by_ Lorelei Martins_

"_Caring For Your New Tattoo: An Informative Guide_" by _Sacramento Hospital's Skin Department_

**)O(**

― **Basic Rules of Associating**

no Associate shall be a spy for the FBI

no Associate shall be a spy for the CBI

no Associate shall be a spy for Patrick Jane

no Associate shall play the harmonica

all Associates must be proficient in the higher forms of art: murder, torture, blackmail, yodeling, etc. An annual examination will be made to make sure that all members are up to scratch

no Associate shall behave with integrity unless it is a genuine accident

an Associate must be exceptionally suave and charming

an Associate must not mention that Red John himself is not exceptionally suave and charming

no Associate may kill another Associate without very good reason

no Associate shall sing to the tune of "I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot no deputy"

all Associates shall answer Red John's summons immediately (unless you are having a shower, in which case it is permitted to don a bathrobe first)

all Associates shall have vaguely sinister names

**)O(**

―** Frequently Asked Questions**

_1. What happens if Red John is displeased with and / or bored with me?_

As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. A second warning and you will probably die a slow death. Options include but are not limited to:

-Becoming the ultimate carving canvas for our latest artistic ideas

-Being drowned in a gigantic bowl of pudding

-Being tied to a rabid deer and subsequently hunted through Napa's countryside by the county's police cars

-Being subtly poisoned (if we do not want to draw suspicion to ourselves)

-Being flayed alive and used as a life-size glove puppet at Associates' children parties

-Being shot in the head (if we're in a hurry / feeling rather unimaginative)

_2. What should I do if I decide to leave the organization?_

Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible. (see above)

_3. What is the salary like?_

You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for sordid reasons. So let's just say that it's much, much better than what they pay at the Investigation Bureaus. There will also be opportunities for pillage, looting, theft etc, and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed.

_4. Can the three-dot tattoo be removed by laser treatment?_

No. Only a moron would ask such an idiotic question. However, it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality concealer (make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter one will most likely draw attention to the tattoo – you can put translucent powder over the concealer to make it last longer).

_5. Is there a retirement age for Associates?_

You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem.

_6. What should I do if Red John is outsmarted by Patrick Jane and subsequently defeated by a bird?_

This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point in devising a protocol to deal with it.

**)O(**

― **Health and Safety**

Being a member of the Blake Association is a naturally dangerous job. Red John and the inner circle council accept no liability for any pain / suffering / torture / impalement / loss of limbs / disintegration / insanity / imprisonment / loss of self / death you may experience while in their service. No good will come of any attempts to sue Red John as a negligent employer. Trust us.

However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed from Associates for Associates both during leisure time and on missions for the organization:

-;- Do not try to outsmart Patrick Jane, as it is extremely presumptuous. Leave it to Red John, who has relatively more practice.

-;- Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the Association: for example, if someone accuses you of being corrupt and / or a murderer, laugh carelessly and say, "No, I am not corrupt. Do you want a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them.

-;- If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered (you may not ask Red John to do it for you, as he will not waste his time on your petty conflicts with other petty peasants)

-;- Keep your gun and knife on you at all times, even if you are asleep / on a hot date / in the bath / at the beach / wearing very tight fitting leather garments / or all of the above at once

-;- Ostentatious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter / dressing entirely in black swooshy cloaks / making sinister comments / killing people should be practiced only in private

-;- If you suspect someone of having uncovered the Association's secrets, have them and their family killed immediately. If it turns out they had no idea about anything, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke.

-;- Only eat food prepared by yourself or your faithful minions (that is, if you have those). Do not trust your spouse(s) / partner(s), no matter how pretty he / she / they might be.

-;- Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offence when visiting a bar or a birthday party, but it's surely better than being dead.

-;- Never address your colleagues by name when you are out killing / kidnapping someone. Survivors may recall it at a later date. For the same reason, never mention your real name / telephone number / address to anyone you are kidnapping / torturing / raping / killing, no matter how attractive he / she / they may be. Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances, anyway.

-;- Burn all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies and non-corrupt officers of the law, but it is also amusing and effective as it contributes to global warming and makes you twice as evil.

-;- Prepare a secret hideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failure to do this may result in you sharing a secret hideout with another Associating family, which often leads to friction over use of bathroom facilities, television, refrigerator etc.

-;- Do not upset Red John, as it will only end in tears. (And quite probably a fair amount of blood, mortal torment of the soul, ruined walls and generally bedrooms, and we all know how expensive cleaning services are these days.)

-;- Do not in any way, shape, of form, imply that Patrick Jane is smarter / prettier / generally better than Red John, even if (especially if) you actually think so. Your opinion is yours. No one wants to hear it. Especially not Red John.

-;- Make sure you have a life insurance. You will probably need it.

* * *

><p><strong>)O(<strong>

_Thank you, new Associate, for taking the time and effort to read this! We are all happy beyond measure to welcome you to our folds. We are all certain that your presence in the Association will be a scintillating one. We hope this leaflet was helpful, and helped you with your Associating issues._

_Yours in all things evil,_

_The Blake Association._


End file.
